To My Second Born Child,
I can’t believe it has been exactly 1 year ago (already). While Daddy and I were on our way to the airport to pick up Papa from an almost 24-hour flight from Manila, you decided you wanted to welcome him as well; that’s when the contractions started. I ignored them because I thought they weren’t the real thing. As we sat in the arrival area waiting for Papa, the contractions became regular and stronger. I tried to be calm (not to cause a scene or anything) during each and every contraction. As soon as Papa arrived, I hugged him and tears fell – I wasn’t sure if I was just ecstatic that he was finally here and safe or if it was because of all the pain that I was trying to keep to myself. We rushed to the hospital and shortly after (less than 2 hours), you were born. You were the most adorable baby boy I’ve ever seen. From the moment I held you, I knew that my life (or should I say our lives) will never be the same; it has changed for the better.
As you enter toddlerhood, there’s so much I want to tell you; there’s so much I want to apologize for.
I’m sorry I felt guilty and anxious when I found out I was pregnant again. I felt guilty because your sister was still too young (almost 6 months) to even understand what’s going to happen; and yet she’s going to have to undergo the biggest change in her life (by far). But your sister is strong at such a young age; it was tough for her but she’s been doing really great (for the most part). And as the days went by, she grew to love you. She always gets excited as soon as she finds out that you just woke up from your nap, she shares some of her toys with you, she tells you “Don’t cry” whenever you’re crying, and so much more.
I felt like I was going to betray your sister by giving birth to another beautiful baby. I felt guilty because I thought I couldn’t love another person as much as I love her. But I was wrong; you were one of the best things that happened to me and my heart was filled with so much joy and love when you were born, just like it did when she was born.
I felt anxious because your Daddy and I were just trying to get used to becoming parents then and there we were, welcoming another one sooner than we have thought of. I felt worried because I don’t know how we could manage to take care of 2 kids on our own; but we did. We had help during the first 6 months, we took it one day at a time, and we managed. I wouldn’t have done that without your Papa and Daddy.
I’m sorry that you didn’t have as much clothes as your sister had. But I guess we can blame that on the fashion industry. There wasn’t too much variety in what they offer for boys – tee shirts, dress shirts, shorts, pants, that’s it. And to have an almost 17-inch basket overflowing with neatly-folded tee shirts, I think I did pretty great.
I’m sorry that Mommy let you wear your sister’s old clothes a few times. It was only because they will certainly pass as boy clothes too; plus, you look really great in them.
I’m sorry that you don’t have as much pictures as your sister when she was your age; it doesn’t mean that I adore you any less. It’s just that Mommy has so much more to do with you and your sister around.
I’m sorry that your firsts weren’t as well documented as your sister’s; it doesn’t mean that I am less interested in your development. You still have a baby book that Mommy has been filling out from time to time but because of everything that’s going on, I would sometimes forget to do it. There were times that I knew I needed to do it but then would get distracted by something you or your sister did; next thing I know, a month has already passed and I still haven’t gotten to filling it out.
I’m sorry that I didn’t get to enjoy each and every second with you because Mommy was busy answering to your sister’s each and every whim. She is old enough to remember so I don’t want her resenting you or me because I don’t have time to help her put her socks on or help her find her Minnie Mouse. And because of that, you did form a very strong bond with Daddy; which is something that I do not regret at all. But as you enter toddlerhood, I promise that we (your sister and I) will always enjoy our little adventures with you and that’s going to be so much fun because you’re going to be part of it.
I’m sorry that Mommy wasn’t always present on all your check-ups; it doesn’t mean I care for you less. It’s just that sometimes your check-ups are right around your sister’s bedtime (when she used to sleep early) so I have to stay at home with her to make sure she goes to bed on time; or I’ve already gone with her check-up earlier that week and I can’t miss work again on that same week so Daddy has to take you.
I’m sorry that you want whatever your sister is playing with but she won’t give it to you even after we tell her to share the toys with you. Don’t you worry; it won’t always be like that. Sooner or later, you’ll discover what your interests are (apart from hers) so you won’t have the need to want what she has.
But even with all of these things that you didn’t have, you have something that your sister never did; something more – more confident, more experienced, and wiser parents; and a very sweet and cheerful big sister.
With your birth came a very valuable lesson that I learned so I want to share it with you; and I want you to always remember this as you grow older. Everything happens for a reason. You may not understand why something is happening at the moment, but trust that God knows what He is doing and that He has a plan. Things may not go according to your plans, and that’s okay; just have faith because He knows what is best for you (way better than I do). He will test you but you have to remain strong all the time. Everything will fall in its rightful place when the time is right.
And of course, please remember every day that I do not love you any less; I never did and I never will. Cruel people will try to tell you, every single day, that you are not loved as much as the first one; that you will always be second. That is absolutely nothing but a lie; do not believe them. Not every one will understand how it is possible to love 2 (or more) different children in the same overflowing way unless they experience it for themselves. I love you with all that I am as much as I love your sister; I will do anything and everything for you, as well as protect you with my life, as much as I would for her. I don’t see birth order; I only see 2 beautiful kids who have been nothing but a blessing to Mommy and Daddy. Keep in mind – second or first, it really doesn’t matter; I love you from the depths of my soul; nothing can and will ever change that.
Happy Birthday, my beautiful baby boy!!!
With overflowing love in my heart,
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