I must admit (I always have) I am not the best mom any child could ever have. But something happened last night that made me realize how terrible I am as a mother to my kids.
My kids have always had their schedule that we strictly follow even when on vacation. Everything we do, even on weekends, revolves around their schedule. They have to have eaten lunch by this time; they have to have taken their nap by this time; and they have to be in bed by 8 PM every single night. And being a rule follower, if they are unable to do what they’re supposed to do according to their schedule, I get stressed out!
My daughter can only fall asleep if I’m laying beside her and hugging her. So every night, I have to put her to bed (while my husband puts our son to bed), before I can go on and do what I have to do.
Last night, as I was putting my daughter to bed, she kept on playing no matter how much I told her that it’s time to go to sleep. That particular night, she didn’t want to listen. I checked the clock and it was almost 9:30 at night. I panicked at the thought that she’s still up way past her bedtime. So I yelled at her to sleep! She cried!
At that point, I couldn’t control my emotions. I yelled again! And as if I wasn’t contented, I yelled again putting all the energy I have in it, and then she cried hysterically!
At that point, I knew what I did was wrong! VERY WRONG! But for some reason, I couldn’t contain myself. I couldn’t even bring myself to comfort her. I was just laying there thinking about what a monster I was. And then my husband came inside the room and told me it was too much!
I went downstairs and asked my husband to put our daughter to bed because obviously I couldn’t do what I’m supposed to do. And then I started thinking what a terrible person I’ve been. I wanted to undo what I did but I can’t. I wanted to vanish because I let things get out of my hand. While these thoughts were running through my head, I heard my daughter crying hysterically. She followed me downstairs and sat beside me on the couch. She touched my face and wanted to look me in the eyes, I couldn’t bring myself to. She moved on the other side and attempted to look at me again. I looked at her; her eyes were pleading. I started crying hysterically! I hugged her as tight as I could and apologized nonstop. She hugged me back which made me cry even more.
I gathered myself and looked at her. I apologized again and asked her if she’s okay. My husband joined us, hugged her and told her that Mommy loves her. I apologized to my husband too; and I started crying hysterically again.
As soon as I gathered myself again, I got my daughter a glass of water. I asked my husband if he was mad at me for doing what I did. He said he’s not; he’s just disappointed. Right then and there, I knew I failed. I was a failure! It was like I was stabbed with a knife. The pain was too much! I cried and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.
My husband I talked (while my daughter was doing all these crazy things to my face because I was crying). He said he knows that I’m trying not to yell at my kids; but I need to try harder. I asked him what if I can’t do it. He said I have to; it’s the right thing to do. And the fact that I realized what I did was wrong, I am on the right path. I told him I feel unworthy; I don’t think I deserve to be a mom of our precious kids. He said we’ve had amazing memories together; my kids love me so much; and I shouldn’t let a few bad things cloud over the happy memories that we’ve made.
He was right! It’s the right thing to do and I shouldn’t give up because of what happened. I should start looking at last night as my defining moment; my wake-up call.
That night, I realized I no longer want to be that mom who yells at her kids when she’s stressed out or when she’s upset. I was weak; I let the devil get the best of me. But I should get up, and work REALLY HARD on everything I could to make sure that that monster will be forever trapped in a cave away from our kids.
Last night, I also realized how lucky I am. I am very blessed to have a husband and daughter who are very forgiving; who loves and accepts me despite my shortcomings. I can’t believe how fortunate I am to have not just a husband, but a partner who believes in me and who continuously guides me so I can be the best version of myself.
And because of all these things, I will strive even more to rise above this challenge. So last night, I prayed! I prayed as hard as I could for His guidance and help so what happened last night won’t happen again.
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What did you think of this post? Did you ever experience this? How did you overcome it? What tips would you give me and other moms that helped you control your emotions? Let me know in the comments. You know I always love to hear from you.